days of blue
hodgepodge snapshots of the mindim not supposed to be writing, reading, or watching anything
but i am.
i cannot stop crying.
i cannot, don’t want to do as doc says. in a poor state.. am scared that mine’s treatment-resistant. “writing is banned for now. you may not be able to read. try light-hearted happy books. do things that create, produce. like play a musical instrument. draw. paint. organize your room. do laundry. have a simple routine in the day involving these. exercise in the evening. go run for one round. and sleep at night. don’t sleep in the day.” i can’t do any of them except sleep at night. on three types of meds that help.
i tried drawing something just now, squiggles. then threw it away.
i dont have anyone in my life except dad.
i cannot stop crying.
there is nothing in my life. God, i’ve been praying but i cannot feel your presence. where are You? i need Your help. i need You to save me. i cant do anything.
i’m watching a show but still cant stop crying.
i dont know why. i can’t seem to do anything else.
i need Your help.
i’ve been lying in bed for so many days. just sleeping..sleeping and sleeping. and trying to pray.
i havent been out of the house except with dad to the doc’s the other day and to pick up my things from hall with him.
family? her and her are fighting.
i cannot stop crying
i can’t focus properly when i read, and im not taking things in when i read.
maybe the descent from last Sat was really because of “trying to go thru the past with God”. doc said it’d only bog me down and this is not a good time to.
are all these thoughts/crying/everything cos of the depression? and that it is self-driving?
is it ok to cry? is God holding me, is every tear really precious in His eyes? where were You when everything happened? where are You now?
i know yest or day b4 yest, the weird writing “God loves you”.
but where are You now? i really cannot feel your presence.
i need You to rescue me.. from what, i dunno.
the more i cry, the sadder i feel inside, and more hopeless and alone. i cannot bear this.
God, please take me home but dun let it add to dad’s burden, pls save my parents someday and let me die soon. please.
//edit 3: i need to stop bashing myself up mentally. i did start up the laptop to look for comics to read. i ate lunch that dad bought(didnt eat lunch yest and many days). and i slept at night for the past two nights. even if it’s with the help of medication, it’s still something good i’ve done for myself, sleeping at night.
Solitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it’s mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.
because from here the climb is steep and the road is long
i went for my first mass walk. Suddenly feel like taking part in mass runs eg. shape to fill the emptiness within & feel better about myself. My haircut’s really good. It’s easier to manage ie.wash,dries faster & looks decent for now. Sis calls it a straight-cut. Worrywart me worries it’ll get too thick as it grows out,as i don’t want to layer my hair anymore. Also it doesnt get stuck in uncomfortable positions under my shoulders n neck when i sleep. It scares n saddens me how thin i am when i clasp my hands in prayer. I can feel the veins. I can hold my wrist w two fingers. After a shower i realised i cld feel my ribs. I managed a whole plate of rice, scrambled egg w prawns and baked beans just now. Praying to gain healthy weight and for better health. I get the sniffles alot. Accepting my D condition helps in accepting with resignation and stoicism the physically heavy heart, the heart-feels-physically-broken feeling, the horrible pits and lows in mood and the suicidal thoughts. I’ve come to or rather, am trying to, accept it as part of my condition and will try not to bother my friends from now on. After all, we’re all largely alone.. If not now, then eventually. After each relapse(yes i’ve accepted it enough to adopt the doctor’s term for it.. When i’ve always been in denial), i always feel more alone and isolated than before, knowing i’ve to fend for myself…even in times when i can’t. C’est la vie. We all have our burdens to bear but i’ve a sneaky suspicion and thus belief that some get away with lighter loads… Such that they’re insensitive, judgemental without understanding and shoot their mouths off (referring to hed.wig for the last) , being perfect candidates to illustrate Shakespeare’s adage ‘They that jest at sadness nv felt a wound’. Loosely quoted. Pray the serenity prayer for me if you will.. It’s a daily uphill climb, recovery.
Even if people don’t understand and judge you, life still goes on. You still gotta get well and live life for all it’s worth. Jiayou and get back up on your feet, hj.
Cuz i know you can and will.
You’ve done it at least twice before, you’ll recover from a relapse again. You’ll do it again.
Taken from an email
We should never envy the unbeliever in the
> least – he or she will be totally unprepared to face the Judge of all the
> Earth. No wedded bliss, no family joy, no ecstacy or delight on Earth will
> be found to be a worthwhile swap for the gift of forgiveness and peace
> with God. Who remembers the good times when faced with the sheer terror of
> standing in front of God, sin-stained, unprepared, with no defence?
> In times of loss, in times of loneliness, in times of fruitless waiting –
> never think that God has something against His children. He does not
> withhold blessing out of meanness, or emotional blackmail; he does not
> turn off the tap of goodness because we are not good enough. His purpose
> in blessing others – while withholding something good from us – is in no
> way a sign that others deserve their gifts more (for we are all
> undeserving), nor is it a signal that we are more sinful than others. In
> fact we are told God “is kind to the ungrateful and wicked” (Luke 6:35).
>
> But even when there are sad and lonely times, there are things we ought to
> be doing. There is an appropriate way to respond. We should not drown in
> our sadness nor withdraw from life in bitterness.
mended wrong
There are those hearts, reader, that never mend again once they are broken. Or if they do mend they heal themselves in a crooked and lopsided way, as if sewn together by a careless craftsman.
-Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux
read this emo quote from heartwish on fb. guilty as charged, of gravitating to things pertaining to ‘EMOTIONS’.
the sun will set no more
This passage, read on a sleepless night when I picked up the Bible, reminded me of what I texted a few about “I wish God would save me from this darkness…” around birthday week and beyond:
The sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun will never set again,
and your moon will wane no more;
the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your days of sorrow will end.
(Isaiah 60:19-20)
I cannot be sure, but maybe God was speaking to me through it.
